Weyland Consortium just announced a new program that they claim will provide much needed relief for our beleaguered farmers. Many of our system's food-providers struggle to balance their precarious financial position against the need to maintain and update an ageing fleet of expensive equipment. Weyland promises to cut some of those costs to less than half while providing state-of-the-art systems and service. I had a chat interview with Weyland's media department AI.
NBNSusie:This sounds too good to be true. How can new, improved equipment be cheaper?
Weyland Media Service Desk™: "The real savings of the Weyland Bountiful™ harvest system are in the equipment longevity. Weyland has worked hard to develop a harvesting system that will last three times longer. This reduces the Total Cost of Ownership. Normally, this would mean a higher initial cost that would prohibit the farmers who need the most help from benefiting, but we are solving this problem by offering a packaged lease and service agreement. The cost is about 40% of a typical loan payment for a new harvester, so the farmer wins. We know that the harvester will last and we will be able to get our value out of it even if the farm folds for some reason. We can self-finance the operation, so the cost is very low. And because we are the ones betting on the longevity of the equipment, it doesn't even require the customer to trust our claims of long life; that's all on us. They have a 100% guarantee that they will have a properly working harvester for the life of the lease, regardless. We're also offering generous trade-in value for old harvesters, which can potentially provide a short-term boost of cash or make the lease payment-free for an initial period."
NBNSusie: That sounds pretty good. I have questions about the guarantee. If a harvester completely fails and can't be fixed you'll provide a new one?
Weyland Media Service Desk™: "That's right."
NBNSusie: What's the catch?
Weyland Media Service Desk™: "There's no catch, but there are some limitations. All service is provided by certified Weyland technicians for free, so there is no need for farmers to work on their own equipment, but we do want to emphasize that breaking the tamper seal on any maintenance hatch will void the lease agreement and incur some other penalties."
NBNSusie: Penalties like what?
Weyland Media Service Desk™: "There are some financial disincentives, but I guess someone might also bust a knuckle if a wrench slips! The point is that this is completely unnecessary now. Your Weyland Bountiful™ harvester will take care of your agriculture, and we will take care of your harvester."
NBNSusie: Anything other "limitations"?
Weyland Media Service Desk™: "Weyland Bountiful™ isn't just a harvester, it's a marriage between harvester and crop. Our scientists found that a lot of the maintenance issues associated with farm equipment were related to the crops themselves - perhaps they were too acidic or didn't release enough lubricant when crushed. So the longevity of the system depends upon using the correct seed lines, specifically Weyland Bountiful™ seed lines, which lessees will be able to buy at a 15% discount from already competitive retail prices as part of their agreement."
NBNSusie: What if someone uses the harvester with another crop?
Weyland Media Service Desk™: "Well technically that would also void the agreement and incur penalties, but we have included a smart system to prevent farmers from accidentally damaging their harvesters and voiding their lease agreements. These substandard plants will lack an embedded Weyland Bountiful™ ID system, and the harvester will detect that and refuse to proceed into what would be a lot of trouble for the farmer. So really the system is worry free."
NBNSusie: Well, that all sounds great. Thank you for your time!
Weyland Media Service Desk™: "I'm a multi-tasking chat AI conducting tens of thousands of conversations simultaneously, so it's literally almost no trouble at all, Susie. Thank you!"
- Susan Ramirez
Wednesday, April 17, 2019
Tuesday, April 16, 2019
Terrorists attack Haas Bioroid medical research center
Yesterday afternoon terrorists fired a rocket at an HB medical research center. Thanks to the hard work of the HB intel and security team, building damage was minimal and no one was hurt. The Sons of Adam have claimed responsibility for the attack in a net holo released early this morning.
The Sons of Adam statement accused HB of "mangling humanity" and of being a "nest of genetic perverts."
Haas Bioroid PR exec. Thomas Valentina was not available for comment, but his assistant, Richard Schew, reached out to us. "These people romanticize a past full of capricious death and disease." Schew said. "A past where humanity was not in control of its own destiny, where our definition of people was narrow and bigoted, and where the genesis of life was synonymous with blood and agony, and overshadowed by death." The Sons of Adam describe themselves as a "human-essentialists" and we have reported previously on their backward-facing philosophy.
The rocket struck the 12th floor of the facility's A building and was fired from a small black attack helicopter. Damage was minimal in thanks to the preparation of Haas Bioroid security forces. "We had intel that this was coming." said HB's local security team leader, Chen Wu. "We sounded the alarm to evacuate the building and deployed fire suppression systems in advance to pre-soak the facility as a guard against the spread of fire. Damage was contained to a couple windows, furniture and minor structural damage in the vicinity. "Our air response team was already deployed and chased them off before they could get a second shot. This could have been much worse.", Wu concluded.
Schew assured us that there would be no meaningful disruption to HB's crucial research at the facility. "This was a waiting room. We'll repurpose another area while repairs are conducted.", Schew said. "Our 12th floor employees are enjoying a mandatory vacation day today, and first thing tomorrow morning they will once again be busy making the world a better place one Haas Bioroid innovation at a time."
- Nancy Nagatami
The Sons of Adam statement accused HB of "mangling humanity" and of being a "nest of genetic perverts."
Haas Bioroid PR exec. Thomas Valentina was not available for comment, but his assistant, Richard Schew, reached out to us. "These people romanticize a past full of capricious death and disease." Schew said. "A past where humanity was not in control of its own destiny, where our definition of people was narrow and bigoted, and where the genesis of life was synonymous with blood and agony, and overshadowed by death." The Sons of Adam describe themselves as a "human-essentialists" and we have reported previously on their backward-facing philosophy.
The rocket struck the 12th floor of the facility's A building and was fired from a small black attack helicopter. Damage was minimal in thanks to the preparation of Haas Bioroid security forces. "We had intel that this was coming." said HB's local security team leader, Chen Wu. "We sounded the alarm to evacuate the building and deployed fire suppression systems in advance to pre-soak the facility as a guard against the spread of fire. Damage was contained to a couple windows, furniture and minor structural damage in the vicinity. "Our air response team was already deployed and chased them off before they could get a second shot. This could have been much worse.", Wu concluded.
Schew assured us that there would be no meaningful disruption to HB's crucial research at the facility. "This was a waiting room. We'll repurpose another area while repairs are conducted.", Schew said. "Our 12th floor employees are enjoying a mandatory vacation day today, and first thing tomorrow morning they will once again be busy making the world a better place one Haas Bioroid innovation at a time."
- Nancy Nagatami
In wake of fire, McSantos announces layoffs
About 300 local workers, in fields ranging from IT to manufacturing to genetic research, will be laid off by the agricultural giant next week. McSantos says these layoffs are routine but some of the workers we interviewed tell a more dramatic story.
"We lost everything." one worker claimed on condition of anonymity. "That fire was no accident. We were hacked and attacked at the same time. Everything, physical, digital.. all of it." Growing sad and quiet, she continued: "We lost all of it. Five [deleted] years." McSantos spokesbeing Arthur McCarter disagreed. "That's ridiculous. Our security is impenetrable, the fire was an accident, and nothing was lost that we didn't have backups for in triplicate. If someone had stolen IP from us we would be suing them into oblivion. These layoffs are about lean McManagement and passing those savings on to our 20 billion delighted customers. We are always looking to leverage efficiently synergistic paradigms." Asked about workers' claims, McCarter said they were "ridiculous conspiracy theories" put forward by "crypto-union thugs".
Asked to respond, our worker-source said "A Union? At McSantos? Are you kidding me? We haven't had a union since the Poultry Strike Massacre back in 2280-whatever-it-was. We're not even allowed to talk to other workers except through official monitored channels. We literally failed to organize a [deleted] coffee pool." The interview deteriorated into incandescent rage at this point and had to be cut short.
- Tommy Wong
"We lost everything." one worker claimed on condition of anonymity. "That fire was no accident. We were hacked and attacked at the same time. Everything, physical, digital.. all of it." Growing sad and quiet, she continued: "We lost all of it. Five [deleted] years." McSantos spokesbeing Arthur McCarter disagreed. "That's ridiculous. Our security is impenetrable, the fire was an accident, and nothing was lost that we didn't have backups for in triplicate. If someone had stolen IP from us we would be suing them into oblivion. These layoffs are about lean McManagement and passing those savings on to our 20 billion delighted customers. We are always looking to leverage efficiently synergistic paradigms." Asked about workers' claims, McCarter said they were "ridiculous conspiracy theories" put forward by "crypto-union thugs".
Asked to respond, our worker-source said "A Union? At McSantos? Are you kidding me? We haven't had a union since the Poultry Strike Massacre back in 2280-whatever-it-was. We're not even allowed to talk to other workers except through official monitored channels. We literally failed to organize a [deleted] coffee pool." The interview deteriorated into incandescent rage at this point and had to be cut short.
- Tommy Wong
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